Monday, July 3, 2017
Agent 54 here again. I got to see the unedited tape of the Washington D.C. Wrestling Association, Tag-Team Championship match. Wow! What a wild and crazy show. Here’s my report.
Announcer Vince: Hi wrestling fans, this is you announcer Vice McMahon and have we got a match for you. We have a Championship Tag-Team match with Team USA being led by “The Captain” Lou Albano versus The MSM Team with Anderson “The Ridiculist” Cooper as their leader. Team USA features Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka and “The Russian Bear” Ivan Koloff while The MSM Team has “Jumbo” Jim Acosta and Rachael “Madcow” Maddow. Now let’s say hi to my partner, Gordon Solie.
Announcer Gordon: Thanks Vince, this is Gordon Solie reporting on the protest filed before this match could even get underway. It was filed with the WDCWA by The MSM Team for alleged collusion with Russia on the choice of Ivan Koloff for Team USA. Team USA has put out a statement saying simply “The charges are Bullshit.”
Vince: Okay, we’re ready to go as the bell sounds for Round 1 of this Championship Tag-Team match. Team USA starts out with “Superfly” taking the ring versus “Jumbo” Jim Acosta. “Jumbo” makes the first move, calling Snuka a racist.
Gordon: Name calling is a move that is old as the hills in wrestling although I haven’t heard of anyone using that particular name before. Say Vince, what race is “Superfly” Snuka?
Vince: I believe he’s a human.
Gordon: Well, let’s all hope so.
Vince: Now I hear “The Captain” Lou Albano for Team USA calling Rachael “Madcow” Maddow a “Pencil-neck Geek.” This match is really heating up.
Gordon: “Superfly” just slapped “Jumbo” in the face and as “Jumbo fell hard to the canvas, “Superfly” moved in for his famous Figure Four Leg Lock.
Vince: Yes, that was a hell of a move and I believe I see tears coming from the eyes of both Jim Acosta and Rachael Maddow.
Gordon: And now The MSM Team Leader, Anderson Cooper has entered the ring and is shouting at the referee.
Vince: Yes, it appears “The Ridiculist” is protesting the fact that the Team USA wrestler actually touched his opponent.
Gordon: Look Vince! There’s a disturbance in the audience. It seems there’s a woman in a blue dress holding something red and disgusting in her hand.
Vince: Yes, that’s CNN’s Kathy Griffin holding her own hair in one hand and seemingly beating herself into submission with her own career in the other.
Gordon: What career? Looks more like a rolled up wet newspaper.
Vince: Lookout! Well, a tall man in a business suit and wearing a red white and blue mask just pushed Gordon and I out of the way to enter the ring.
Gordon: Whoa, who was that? Anyway, the masked man has now got all three members of The MSM Team in a headlock and is giving them a “nuggie de trios”.
Vince: Holy Guacamole! I’ve never seen a “nuggie de trios” in this country and the crowd is going wild.
Gordon: Vince, the “nuggie de trios” move is actually banned in 14 countries around the world.
Vince: And now the masked man has all three of The MSM Team members pinned on top of each other and crying. Yes, and now he’s actually sitting on top of them. This is wild and crazy stuff.
Gordon: That’s not all, Vince. It appears he has taken his cell phone out and composing a Tweet.
Vince: The referee slaps a three count on the canvas and it’s all over. Team USA has won thanks to the masked man.
Gordon: The masked man pulls his mask of to reveal to everyone’s shock,,,,It’s President Trump!
President Trump: (walking over to Vince & Gordon) Hey Vince, how are you?
Gordon: Mr. President, Gordon Solie here, you really kicked butt out there tonight.
President Trump: Well, it was a yuge win for the American people.
Vince: Congratulations Sir. I have to ask, was the “nuggie de trois” move really necessary for the victory?
President Trump: Well, we won and all I know is winning because winning is what I do. I have to go now and get ready to do some more winning for the American people. Thank you guys and God Bless America.
Disclaimer: No MSM reporters were harmed in the writing of this comedy story.
Sunday, May 21, 2017
Agent 54 here again. It was movie day for the gang and I again and despite some whining and moaning we saw Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 2 instead of Chips. As usual, we went to the pool afterward to voice our opinions. Here’s our review:
Agent 54: Well, leading off again, I have to say that despite how far-fetched the story and characters are, I really enjoyed Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 2.
Shamu: Far-fetched? Man, you know what’s far-fetched? You thinking anyone believes you can take us all to the movies, comfortably, in that stupid little car you got.
Agent 54: What? You never complain on the way to the theater.
Shamu: Yeah, well I ain’t dumb. I don’t want you to kick me out half way there. I ain’t walkin to the movies.
Agent 54: Whatever! Getting back to the movie, it was fun and rollicking space adventure with great scenery, great characters and great music.
Flipper: Oh yeah, you know I liked Gamora. I dig those red high-lights in her dark hair against her green skin. Yowsa!
Charlie Tuna: Easy there Flip, have a little class. Remember, this is a family show. Now the character I liked the best was Ego who was played by Kurt Russell. That dude had class, until he told of his grand plan to remake the Universe and kill everybody. That wasn’t cool.
Nemo: You guys didn’t even mention the real star of the show. Baby Groot is as cute as me. I loved watching him dance to the 1980s Rock-n-Roll while the rest of the group was fighting the ugly monster in the beginning. Baby Groot is the coolest.
Agent 54: Yeah, Baby Groot stole the show at times. Of course my favorite character,
was played by Michael Rooker got killed in the end. I always enjoyed Rooker as an actor and the
rogue character of Quill’s stepdad and Captain of a ship of Ravagers was very
Flipper: Cool? What? Do you remember that guy killed his whole crew with that magic arrow that he controlled by whistling. Those guys were his buddies and he wiped them all out.
Shamu: Flip! They had a mutiny against him and took over his ship. What the heck would you do? Those bums got what they deserved.
Agent 54: Yeah, a mutiny about a vehicle, like when someone criticizes the driver and the car they’re riding all over the place in.
Shamu: Okay “Captain”. Man, you need to get over yourself.
Nemo: I like Agent 54’s car.
Shamu: Man, you so small you can fit in the glove box with room to spare. Anyway, I want to say, before I get kicked out of the pool for mutiny by “Captain” Agent 54, I loved the movie. I loved all the action and adventure and the jokes and Rocket, played by Bradley Cooper, is my guy. That high-tech genius does and says what he wants and he don’t care.
Flipper: I like Drax the Destroyer, played by Dave Bautista too. That guy is hilarious without even trying to be funny. When he told that beautiful new girl, Mantis, played by Pom Klementieff that she was ugly, that just cracked me up.
Agent 54: I think that’s what really works with these two Guardians of the Galaxy movies. There is someone or something the everyone can identify with. There’s a character for everyone to pick as their favorite. I like the way they balance the bad guys and side characters out too. You get Ego who is a nearly undefeatable God-like villain versus the egotistic and yet goofy Sovereigns and then the divided Ravagers sects. Truly a diverse group as you would imagine the Universe really is.
Charlie Tuna: Gee, that was a deep and almost scientific analysis of the move, and BOOORING!
Shamu: Nerd alert!
Flipper: Nerd alert!
|Drax The Destroyer|
Agent 54: Aw, don’t start that crap again. Just give me your Starfish.
Shamu: 5 Starfish, I dug it.
Flipper: 5 Starfish all day.
Nemo: 5 Starfish for Baby Groot. Hooray!
Charlie Tuna: 4 Starfish. I don’t think they had to kill that Classy Ego guy. Couldn’t they try talkin to the guy, maybe a little psycho-therapy?
Agent 54: Uh, yeah, I guess. I give it 5 Starfish too and I can’t wait to see the next one and next time Shamu, you can take the bus to the theater.
Shamu: Yeah, whatever “Captain” Agent 54.
Sunday, May 7, 2017
Agent 54 here again. Well, Saturday was Kentucky Derby day in America and that means funny hats, Mint Julips and horseys. I always wanted a pony. I never wanted a race horse. Just an old steed with no name as a buddy to wonder about the dessert with. Anyway, I got to spy on group of friends who were wearing funny hats, sipping Mint Julips and discussing the event. Here’s my report.
Scene: The building looks like a large stable but, inside it’s a horse racing themed bar with lots of wood furniture, wooden bar and lots of pictures of horses and jockey and lots of horse racing paraphernalia on the walls. A group of friends occupies most of the bar. It’s several hours before the race.
Donkey: Oh boy, I can’t wait to bet $100 on “McCraken”. You know Tim McCraken was a mean Ice Hockey player in the old movie “Slapshot” and I think “McCraken” is a mean horse and it takes a mean horse to win The Kentucky Derby.
Flicka: It don’t take no mean horse to win the race. It takes a fast horse. Hey Donkey, where’d you get that stupid hat? Man, it looks like a dollar store shower curtain.
Donkey: What? I got it at the race track gift shop. It’s a nice hat. They said everyone would be wearing them. Why ain’t you got no hat on?
Flicka: Sheesh, hats are for domesticated animals.
Mr. Ed (to Flicka) Whoa there. Well, Aren’t you Mr. Wild and Free. I got a hat on just to feel like more of a part of the festivities. Nobody cares what it looks like.
Baba Looey: Si, a fancy sombrero is just part of the fun. Say Mr. Donkey, isn’t it your turn to buy the next round of Tequila?
Donkey: Indeed, it is my turn to buy but, we ain’t drinking no Tequila. Bartender! A round of Mint Julips for my friends. I love Kentucky Derby Day and I love my new hat and I love Mint Julips.
Silver: A good hat was always very important for the Lone Ranger. Now, Donkey’s hat choice was very smart. He knew we’d be drinking all these Mint Julips today.
With that hat, Donkey never has to worry about having a place to puke.
Scene: All the horses, donkeys, burros, mules ect..in the bar crack up laughing except poor ole Donkey.
Donkey (under his breath) I don’t care what they say, this is a nice hat and I ain’t ever gonna puke in it.
Trigger: Don’t let them get to ya, Donkey. They’re just kidding and their hats are no better than yours.
|Roy Rogers and Trigger|
Flicka: Mr. Ed’s hat is better, if you’re into hats and running with the crowd.
Silver: Yeah, forget the hats. What do you guys think of “Fast an Accurate” in this race? He’s getting 34-1 odds.
Trigger: “Fast and Accurate”? Is that a horse or a secretary in the steno pool? I like “Gunnevera” at 9-1.
Baba Looey: Si, “Gunnevera” is going to win the race.
Trigger: Right you are Baba, give me a hoof-pump. (don’t try hoof-pumps at home)
Flicka: You guys are nuts! “Untrapped” is gonna ride a wave of pure Freedom to victory and make me very rich at 80-1.
Mr. Ed: Yeah, then you can buy that house in the suburbs you always wanted, eh Flicka?
Flicka: No way! After “Untrapped” wins, you guys will never see me again.
Baba Looey: Oye, do not quit your day job, Mr. Flicka.
Scene: Everyone at the bar cracks up laughing again.
Scene: It’s after the race at the same bar with the same friends and everyone is a little wetter, a little drunker and a little poorer.
Donkey: Man, I knew I should have bet on number 5. Number 5 has always been my favorite number. Cinco de Mayo has always been favorite holiday. Yeah, number 5 all the way.
Mr. Ed: Yeah Donkey, I guess “McCraken” was all he was “McCrakened” up to be.
Silver: Yeah, “McCraken” sounds like something you get for breakfast at a fast food place, not a fast horse.
Baba Looey: Mr. Flicka, I’m sorry “Untrapped” didn’t win. Do you need Quicksdraw and me to help you find a new job?
Flicka: Buzz off shorty, That race was fixed by the same corporations that enslave you guys and you don’t even know it.
Trigger: Yeah well, “Gunnevera” turned out to be a real refugee from the glue factory.
Silver: Yeah, and “Fast and Accurate” was actually “Slow and Sloppy”. Hey Ed,
You’re a know-it-all. Who’d you blow your money on?
|Lone Ranger and Silver|
Mr. Ed: (slurring his words) Shoot! I paid $20 for a tip for the name of some nag that I’m not sure if it really ran in the race. I think I had too many Mint Julips. Hey Donkey! Quick, gimme your haaaaat!
Donkey: Get your own damn hat! This is a nice hat. I’m keepin this hat and I’m gonna wear it every day to remind me of the fun I had with my friends here today, damn it!
Saturday, April 22, 2017
Agent 54 here again with another installment of Blitzed Wolfer’s terrific interview series. Who knew Blitzed would outlast Bill O’Reilly?
Today’s interview subject is kind of a happy accident and a social experiment at the same time. Let’s check out what Knucklehead Ned, formerly of the infamous Spacebeard crew, is up to now.
Blitzed: Welcome to The Warrior’s Studio for our 7th edition. I bumped into Knucklehead Ned, the former First Mate for the infamous space pirate, Spacebeard and he graciously agreed to join us here today. Please welcome Knucklehead Ned.
Audience: Mild applause
Ned: Aye, how ya doin?
Blitzed: Quite well. I noticed you seem to have an unique way of expressing yourself Knuckle, or do you prefer Head or, uh, I apologize, what do I call you?
Ned: Argh Ned, will do just fine and fuggettaboutit!
Blitzed: Yes, it seems that you have picked up some of the local vernacular in your brief stay here in New York City.
Ned: No, the wench at the clinic said I was doin ahh-ight.
Blitzed: No, I meant that you have adopted some of the phrasing and accents found here.
Ned: Aye, I’ve loined a ting or two from my new mateys in the Savage Skulls club of da Bronx.
Blitzed: Oh my, the Savage Skulls? Aren’t they a vicious criminal gang?
Ned: Argh, I’d say they be more like mischievous than vicious, ya know what I’m sayin?
Blitzed: Not exactly but, let’s move on. Okay so, do you miss your swashbuckling about the galaxy days with Spacebeard? Tell me why you left your crew.
Ned: Argh, the question be, why did they leave me? Aye, sometimes I do miss microwaving the Captain’s Pepperoni Pizza and hanging out with Smelly Pirate Space Hookers but, me new mateys and I be chillin in the crib and smokin blunts. Yo Ho! It’s more fun than a barrel of space rum.
Blitzed: So, you’re not going to rejoin Spacebeard and pilfer Pepperoni Pizzas from Darth Vader and the Empire anymore?
Ned: Argh, I’m sure when they get to noticin I ain’t around and when the coast is clear, Captain Spacebeard will come about to beam me aboard and it’ll be just like olden times.
Blitzed: Yes well, the coast better be very clear because we just got rid a nosey official from The Empire who was asking a lot of questions about stolen Pepperoni Pizzas.
Ned: Yo! You know, snitches get stitches. What exactly did you tell da man?
Blitzed: Oh don’t worry. I made up a BS story about a failed investment in an Italian restaurant in Queens. He bought it hook line and sinker.
Ned: Aye, I did hear that ye be full-a-shit but, I better not hear nuttin about you singin like no boid.
Blitzed: (nervously) Honestly, I didn’t tell ’em nuttin,,,I mean anything. I can keep my beak,,,uh,,, mouth shut.
Ned: Aye, of course ye can. Hey don’t get noivous, fuggettaboutit!
Wow! Who woulda thunk a few dozen stolen Pepperoni Pizzas would still be giving Blitzed indigestion all these months later.
The Warrior's Studio Vol. II
Saturday, April 1, 2017
Agent 54 here again. We at the NSA under the DORD, picked up some strange communications from very very very far away and I had to analyze it. It appears that the communications are coming from a couple of the new exoplanets that astronomers are finding in our own Milky Way galaxy. Exoplanets are planets that orbit stars other than our Sun. The really strange part is that the decoded messages are not from beings on these planets but, from the planets themselves. Yeah, I know, really weird. Here’s my report.
Exoplanet Wolf 1061 (Wolf) is chatting with Exoplanet Kepler 442 B (Keps)
Wolf: Hey Keps, whazzzzz uppppp?
Keps: Awe, you know same ole, same ole, orbitin and rotatin. Hey, you been checking out that weird solar system with that planet with the humans on it again?
Wolf: Yeah, a little. Tell the truth I get bored with Earth. Too stable for my tastes. You know I like little red hotties like Venus. You know her surface is about 900 degrees.
|Kepler 442 B|
Keps: Oh yeah, she could keep you warm at night. You know my favorite is Saturn. I dig those groovy rings. Outta sight!
Wolf: Man, you always fall for those big stinky gas giants. I mean, I know they’re colorful but, dating them is like going out to a cosmic porta-potty, ain’t it?
Keps: Shut up! You know your Venus has a thick stinky atmosphere too. Hey no planet is perfect.
Wolf: Yeah, well I never tried to score with no giant ice queen like Neptune or Uranus. Remember when Uranus gave you the cold shoulder?
Keps: Will you listen to yourself? Talking like some kinda intergalactic Romeo or something. You ain’t even got what it takes to attract a moon yet. Let me know when you got someone orbiting night and day and then we’ll take about the laws of attraction.
Wolf: Shiiit! That slimy, dirty pile a debris you got orbiting you is nothing but a cosmic dumping sight. That thing is the trailer trash of the Universe.
Keps: You’re just jealous of my trailer trash cuz you ain’t even got that. Anyway, when you gonna make a move on Venus? You know, she ain’t getting no younger.
Wolf: Hey, I’m a planet with a plan. I’m just waiting till the time is right and our systems are just the right distance from each other, then boom! I use a volcano to send her some of my life forms.
Keps: Yeah, be careful. With that thick and hot atmosphere of hers, she’s likely to crush and fry your little “gifts of life”.
Wolf: Com’on! You know I thought of that. I’m gonna send her some extreme life-forms that can survive and thrive all over my little Venus.
Keps: Yeah, well good luck with that. Me, I’m looking forward to the day I can look Saturn in the eye and tell her how beautiful she is.
Wolf: Yeah, and if that don’t work out, you can look Jupiter in her big red eye and tell her you love her too.
Keps: You jerk! You know nobody likes that big fat cyclops.
Wolf: Whadda ya mean? She’s a big stinky gas ball too. Ain’t that your style?
Keps: You really are a jerk, there Wolf. Why do I talk to you?
Wow! This opens up a whole new field of investigation for my NSA under the DORD. I’m sure everyone in the Universe is going to want to know what the other planets are thinking about their celestial neighbors. I could end up with a TV show on the Bravo Network or something.
Sunday, March 19, 2017
Agent 54 here again. I was eggxcited to get this colorful phone call between the foremost distributor of Easter Eggs and the head of the Egg Manufacturing Union. Seems that one side wants a new deal. Will these guys be able to resolve their differences before Easter Sunday? Let’s hope so for the children’s sake.
Here’s my report.
A Bunny Secretary speaks into her bosses intercom: EB, I have Chicky Hoffa from the EMU on line one.
Easter Bunny (EB): (sarcastically) Great, just what I need. Okay, I got it.
EB clicking line one: Hey Chicky, how are ya? What can I do for ya.
Chicky Hoffa, head of the EMU: Hi EB. You know we’re busy as heck trying to build up your inventory for this year’s Easter season.
EB: Yes, and we appreciate all of your hard work. We’re working around the clock here to get ready too.
Chicky: Yeah well frankly, we at the EMU think you could appreciate us a little more and I don’t mean chicken scratch either.
EB: Now wait a minute here Chicky, we just made a new deal in 2015, We still got 4 years on our contract. I’m afraid I can’t hop up to the plate to make a new deal at this time.
Chicky: (in an elevated tone) Hey fur-ball, you know that ever since the stupid HOP movie came out, demand for our eggs has doubled. My hens are working overtime and we need a bigger slice of the pie if you want us to keep up with demand. We want more of the recognition for Easter too. After all we make the darn things.
EB: No need for insults, Chicky. I’m sure you realize that if it weren’t for me you would have almost no demand, I’m the face of your product and let’s not forget my expenses. I have designers, artists, distribution and administrative staff to pay.
Chicky: I don’t give a fart about that and I still can’t figure out how you made humans believe that a bunny would deliver decorated chicken eggs. You know, I got an idea. I just might create an Easter Chicken and knock your cotton tail right out of this whole industry. How’s that sound?
EB: Is that a threat? Cause you may not know this but I’ve been talking to Donald Duck and he says that between his ducks and a bunch of quails he’s organized, I can get more than enough eggs to fill my orders.
Chicky: Is that what we’re doin here? Usin words? Words like ducks and quails? Is that what we’re doin?
EB: Let’s calm down here. We’ve been in business together too long to throw it all away now. Truth is we got a good thing going here and we should be able to figure out how to keep it going.
Chicky: Yeah, well I just wanted to remind you that the Lucky Rabbit’s foot industry is starting to take off again. Say, how well do you hop on 3 legs?
EB: Alright, this is getting ugly now. Look let’s talk turkey at our next board meeting. I’ll buy you a drink and we can sit down and discuss things like civilized, professional, business animals.
Chicky: Yeah, Okay, I’ll be there but remember, I ain’t exactly 100% domesticated either. I’m warning you, don’t tweak my beak.
EB: Yes, of course not. You know, I’ve always had the utmost respect for you and your Union. I’ll see ya at the meeting.
Holy Cow! I can’t wait to listen in on that board meeting.