Sunday, May 21, 2017

Movie Review: Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2

  Agent 54 here again.  It was movie day for the gang and I again and despite some whining and moaning we saw Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 2 instead of Chips.  As usual, we went to the pool afterward to voice our opinions.  Here’s our review:

Agent 54:  Well, leading off again, I have to say that despite how far-fetched the story and characters are, I really enjoyed Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 2.  

Shamu:  Far-fetched?  Man, you know what’s far-fetched?  You thinking anyone believes you can take us all to the movies, comfortably, in that stupid little car you got.

Agent 54:  What?  You never complain on the way to the theater. 

Shamu:  Yeah, well I ain’t dumb.  I don’t want you to kick me out half way there.  I ain’t walkin to the movies.

Rocket Raccoon 
Agent 54:  Whatever!  Getting back to the movie, it was fun and rollicking space adventure with great scenery, great characters and great music.

Flipper:  Oh yeah, you know I liked Gamora.  I dig those red high-lights in her dark hair against her green skin.  Yowsa!

Charlie Tuna:  Easy there Flip, have a little class.  Remember, this is a family show.  Now the character I liked the best was Ego who was played by Kurt Russell.  That dude had class, until he told of his grand plan to remake the Universe and kill everybody.  That wasn’t cool.

Nemo:  You guys didn’t even mention the real star of the show.  Baby Groot is as cute as me.  I loved watching him dance to the 1980s Rock-n-Roll while the rest of the group was fighting the ugly monster in the beginning.  Baby Groot is the coolest.

Agent 54:  Yeah, Baby Groot stole the show at times.  Of course my favorite character,
Yondu who was played by Michael Rooker got killed in the end.  I always enjoyed Rooker as an actor and the rogue character of Quill’s stepdad and Captain of a ship of Ravagers was very cool.

Flipper:  Cool?  What?  Do you remember that guy killed his whole crew with that magic arrow that he controlled by whistling.  Those guys were his buddies and he wiped them all out.

Shamu:  Flip!  They had a mutiny against him and took over his ship.  What the heck would you do?  Those bums got what they deserved.

Agent 54:  Yeah, a mutiny about a vehicle, like when someone criticizes the driver and the car they’re riding all over the place in.

Shamu:  Okay “Captain”.  Man, you need to get over yourself.

Nemo:  I like Agent 54’s car.

Shamu:  Man, you so small you can fit in the glove box with room to spare.  Anyway, I want to say, before I get kicked out of the pool for mutiny by “Captain” Agent 54, I loved the movie.  I loved all the action and adventure and the jokes and Rocket, played by Bradley Cooper, is my guy.  That high-tech genius does and says what he wants and he don’t care.

Flipper:  I like Drax the Destroyer, played by Dave Bautista too.  That guy is hilarious without even trying to be funny.  When he told that beautiful new girl, Mantis, played by Pom Klementieff that she was ugly, that just cracked me up.

Agent 54:  I think that’s what really works with these two Guardians of the Galaxy movies.  There is someone or something the everyone can identify with.  There’s a character for everyone to pick as their favorite.  I like the way they balance the bad guys and side characters out too.  You get Ego who is a nearly undefeatable God-like villain versus the egotistic and yet goofy Sovereigns and then the divided Ravagers sects.  Truly a diverse group as you would imagine the Universe really is.

Charlie Tuna:  Gee, that was a deep and almost scientific analysis of the move, and BOOORING!  

Shamu:  Nerd alert!

Flipper:  Nerd alert!

Drax The Destroyer
Agent 54:  Aw, don’t start that crap again.   Just give me your Starfish.

Shamu:  5 Starfish, I dug it.

Flipper:  5 Starfish all day.

Nemo:  5 Starfish for Baby Groot.  Hooray!

Charlie Tuna:  4 Starfish.  I don’t think they had to kill that Classy Ego guy.  Couldn’t they try talkin to the guy, maybe a little psycho-therapy?

Agent 54:  Uh, yeah, I guess.  I give it 5 Starfish too and I can’t wait to see the next one and next time Shamu, you can take the bus to the theater.

Shamu:  Yeah, whatever “Captain” Agent 54.

Sunday, May 7, 2017

Horsing Around

Always Dreaming
  Agent 54 here again.  Well, Saturday was Kentucky Derby day in America and that means funny hats, Mint Julips and horseys.  I always wanted a pony.   I never wanted a race horse.  Just an old steed with no name as a buddy to wonder about the dessert with.   Anyway, I got to spy on group of friends who were wearing funny hats, sipping Mint Julips and discussing the event.   Here’s my report.

Scene:  The building looks like a large stable but, inside it’s a horse racing themed bar with lots of wood furniture, wooden bar and lots of pictures of horses and jockey and lots of horse racing paraphernalia on the walls.  A group of friends occupies most of the bar.  It’s several hours before the race.

Donkey:  Oh boy, I can’t wait to bet $100 on “McCraken”.  You know  Tim McCraken was a mean Ice Hockey player in the old movie “Slapshot” and I think “McCraken” is a mean horse and it takes a mean horse to win The Kentucky Derby.

Flicka:  It don’t take no mean horse to win the race.  It takes a fast horse.  Hey Donkey, where’d you get that stupid hat?  Man, it looks like a dollar store shower curtain.

Donkey:  What?  I got it at the race track gift shop.  It’s a nice hat.  They said everyone would be wearing them.  Why ain’t you got no hat on?

Flicka:  Sheesh, hats are for domesticated animals.

Mr. Ed (to Flicka)  Whoa there.  Well, Aren’t you Mr. Wild and Free.  I got a hat on just to feel like more of a part of the festivities.  Nobody cares what it looks like.

Baba Looey:  Si, a fancy sombrero is just part of the fun.  Say Mr. Donkey, isn’t it your turn to buy the next round of Tequila?

Donkey:  Indeed, it is my turn to buy but, we ain’t drinking no Tequila.  Bartender!  A round of Mint Julips for my friends.  I love Kentucky Derby Day and I love my new hat and I love Mint Julips.

Silver:  A good hat was always very important for the Lone Ranger.  Now, Donkey’s hat choice was very smart.  He knew we’d be drinking all these Mint Julips today.
With that hat, Donkey never has to worry about having a place to puke.  

Scene:  All the horses, donkeys, burros, mules the bar crack up laughing except poor ole Donkey.

Donkey (under his breath)  I don’t care what they say, this is a nice hat and I ain’t ever gonna puke in it.

Trigger:  Don’t let them get to ya, Donkey.  They’re just kidding and their hats are no better than yours.
Roy Rogers and Trigger

Flicka:  Mr. Ed’s hat is better, if you’re into hats and running with the crowd.

Silver:  Yeah, forget the hats.  What do you guys think of “Fast an Accurate” in this race?  He’s getting 34-1 odds.

Trigger:  “Fast and Accurate”?  Is that a horse or a secretary in the steno pool?  I like “Gunnevera” at 9-1.

Baba Looey:  Si, “Gunnevera” is going to win the race.

Trigger:  Right you are Baba, give me a hoof-pump.  (don’t try hoof-pumps at home)

Flicka:  You guys are nuts!  “Untrapped” is gonna ride a wave of pure Freedom to victory and make me very rich at 80-1.

Mr. Ed:  Yeah, then you can buy that house in the suburbs you always wanted, eh Flicka?

Flicka:  No way!  After “Untrapped” wins, you guys will never see me again.

Baba Looey:  Oye, do not quit your day job, Mr. Flicka.

Scene:  Everyone at the bar cracks up laughing again.

Scene:  It’s after the race at the same bar with the same friends and everyone is a little wetter, a little drunker and a little poorer.

Donkey:  Man, I knew I should have bet on number 5.  Number 5 has always been my favorite number.  Cinco de Mayo has always been favorite holiday.  Yeah, number 5 all the way.

Mr. Ed:  Yeah Donkey, I guess “McCraken” was all he was “McCrakened” up to be.

Silver:  Yeah, “McCraken” sounds like something you get for breakfast at a fast food place, not a fast horse.

Baba Looey:  Mr. Flicka, I’m sorry “Untrapped” didn’t win.  Do you need Quicksdraw and me to help you find a new job?

Flicka:  Buzz off shorty,  That race was fixed by the same corporations that enslave you guys and you don’t even know it.

Trigger:  Yeah well, “Gunnevera” turned out to be a real refugee from the glue factory.

Silver:  Yeah, and “Fast and Accurate” was actually “Slow and Sloppy”.  Hey Ed,
Lone Ranger and Silver
You’re a know-it-all.  Who’d you blow your money on?

Mr. Ed:  (slurring his words)  Shoot!  I paid $20 for a tip for the name of some nag that I’m not sure if it really ran in the race.  I think I had too many Mint Julips.  Hey Donkey!  Quick, gimme your haaaaat!

Donkey:  Get your own damn hat!  This is a nice hat.  I’m keepin this hat and I’m gonna wear it every day to remind me of the fun I had with my friends here today, damn it!

So none of this equestrian gang could pick the winner.  Congratulations to “Always Dreaming” and better luck next year to the gang.  

Saturday, April 22, 2017

The Warrior’s Studio, with Blitzed Wolfer Vol. VII

  Agent 54 here again with another installment of Blitzed Wolfer’s terrific interview series.  Who knew Blitzed would outlast Bill O’Reilly?

  Today’s interview subject is kind of a happy accident and a social experiment at the same time.  Let’s check out what Knucklehead Ned, formerly of the infamous Spacebeard crew, is up to now.

Blitzed:  Welcome to The Warrior’s Studio for our 7th edition.  I bumped into Knucklehead Ned, the former First Mate for the infamous space pirate, Spacebeard and he graciously agreed to join us here today.  Please welcome Knucklehead Ned.

Audience:  Mild applause

Ned:  Aye, how ya doin?

Blitzed:  Quite well.  I noticed you seem to have an unique way of expressing yourself  Knuckle, or do you prefer Head or, uh,  I apologize, what do I call you?

Ned:  Argh Ned, will do just fine and fuggettaboutit!

Blitzed:  Yes, it seems that you have picked up some of the local vernacular in your brief stay here in New York City.

Ned:  No, the wench at the clinic said I was doin ahh-ight
Blitzed:  No, I meant that you have adopted some of the phrasing and accents found here.

Ned:  Aye, I’ve loined a ting or two from my new mateys in the Savage Skulls club of da Bronx.

Blitzed:  Oh my, the Savage Skulls?  Aren’t they a vicious criminal gang?

Ned:  Argh, I’d say they be more like mischievous than vicious, ya know what I’m sayin?

Blitzed:  Not exactly but, let’s move on.  Okay so, do you miss your swashbuckling about the galaxy days with Spacebeard?  Tell me why you left your crew.

Ned:  Argh, the question be, why did they leave me?  Aye, sometimes I do miss microwaving the Captain’s Pepperoni Pizza and hanging out with Smelly Pirate Space Hookers but, me new mateys and I be chillin in the crib and smokin blunts. Yo Ho!  It’s more fun than a barrel of space rum.

Blitzed:  So, you’re not going to rejoin Spacebeard and pilfer Pepperoni Pizzas from Darth Vader and the Empire anymore?

Ned:  Argh, I’m sure when they get to noticin I ain’t around and when the coast is clear, Captain Spacebeard will come about to beam me aboard and it’ll be just like olden times.

Blitzed:  Yes well, the coast better be very clear because we just got rid a nosey official from The Empire who was asking a lot of questions about stolen Pepperoni Pizzas.

Ned:  Yo!  You know, snitches get stitches. What exactly did you tell da man

Blitzed:  Oh don’t worry.  I made up a BS story about a failed investment in an Italian restaurant in Queens.  He bought it hook line and sinker. 

Ned:  Aye, I did hear that ye be full-a-shit but, I better not hear nuttin about you singin like no boid.

Blitzed:  (nervously) Honestly, I didn’t tell ’em nuttin,,,I mean anything.  I can keep my beak,,,uh,,, mouth shut.

Ned:  Aye, of course ye can.  Hey don’t get noivous, fuggettaboutit!

Wow!  Who woulda thunk a few dozen stolen Pepperoni Pizzas would still be giving Blitzed indigestion all these months later.

Saturday, April 1, 2017

Interplanetary Gossip

Wolf 461
  Agent 54 here again.  We at the NSA under the DORD, picked up some strange communications from very very very far away and I had to analyze it.  It appears that the communications are coming from a couple of the new exoplanets that astronomers are finding in our own Milky Way galaxy.  Exoplanets are planets that orbit stars other than our Sun.  The really strange part is that the decoded messages are not from beings on these planets but, from the planets themselves.  Yeah, I know, really weird.  Here’s my report. 

Exoplanet Wolf 1061 (Wolf) is chatting with Exoplanet Kepler 442 B (Keps)

Wolf:  Hey Keps, whazzzzz uppppp?

Keps:  Awe, you know same ole, same ole, orbitin and rotatin.  Hey, you been checking out that weird solar system with that planet with the humans on it again?

Wolf:  Yeah, a little.  Tell the truth I get bored with Earth.  Too stable for my tastes.  You know I like little red hotties like Venus.  You know her surface is about 900 degrees. 
Kepler 442 B

Keps:  Oh yeah, she could keep you warm at night.  You know my favorite is Saturn.  I dig those groovy rings.  Outta sight!

Wolf:  Man, you always fall for those big stinky gas giants.  I mean, I know they’re colorful but, dating them is like going out to a cosmic porta-potty, ain’t it?

Keps:  Shut up!  You know your Venus has a thick stinky atmosphere too.  Hey no planet is perfect.

Wolf:  Yeah, well I never tried to score with no giant ice queen like Neptune or Uranus.  Remember when Uranus gave you the cold shoulder?

Keps:  Will you listen to yourself?  Talking like some kinda intergalactic Romeo or something.  You ain’t even got what it takes to attract a moon yet.  Let me know when you got someone orbiting night and day and then we’ll take about the laws of attraction.

Wolf:  Shiiit!  That slimy, dirty pile a debris you got orbiting you is nothing but a cosmic dumping sight.  That thing is the trailer trash of the Universe.

Keps:  You’re just jealous of my trailer trash cuz you ain’t even got that.  Anyway, when you gonna make a move on Venus?  You know, she ain’t getting no younger.

Wolf:  Hey, I’m a planet with a plan.  I’m just waiting till the time is right and our systems are just the right distance from each other, then boom!  I use a volcano to send her some of my life forms.

Keps:  Yeah, be careful.  With that thick and hot atmosphere of hers, she’s likely to crush and fry your little “gifts of life”.

Wolf:  Com’on!  You know I thought of that.  I’m gonna send her some extreme life-forms that can survive and thrive all over my little Venus.

Keps:  Yeah, well good luck with that.  Me, I’m looking forward to the day I can look Saturn in the eye and tell her how beautiful she is.  

Wolf:  Yeah, and if that don’t work out, you can look Jupiter in her big red eye and tell her you love her too.

Keps:  You jerk!  You know nobody likes that big fat cyclops.

Wolf:  Whadda ya mean?  She’s a big stinky gas ball too.  Ain’t that your style?

Keps:  You really are a jerk, there Wolf.  Why do I talk to you?

Wow! This opens up a whole new field of investigation for my NSA under the DORD.  I’m sure everyone in the Universe is going to want to know what the other planets are thinking about their celestial neighbors.  I could end up with a TV show on the Bravo Network or something.

Sunday, March 19, 2017

Easter nEggotiation


Agent 54 here again.  I was eggxcited to get this colorful phone call between the foremost distributor of Easter Eggs and the head of the Egg Manufacturing Union.  Seems that one side wants a new deal.  Will these guys be able to resolve their differences before Easter Sunday?  Let’s hope so for the children’s sake. 

Here’s my report.

A Bunny Secretary speaks into her bosses intercom:  EB, I have Chicky Hoffa from the EMU on line one.

Easter Bunny (EB):  (sarcastically)  Great, just what I need.  Okay, I got it.

EB clicking line one:  Hey Chicky, how are ya?  What can I do for ya.

Chicky Hoffa, head of the EMU:  Hi EB.  You know we’re busy as heck trying to build up your inventory for this year’s Easter season.

EB:  Yes, and we appreciate all of your hard work.  We’re working around the clock here to get ready too.

Chicky:  Yeah well frankly, we at the EMU think you could appreciate us a little more and I don’t mean chicken scratch either.

EB:  Now wait a minute here Chicky, we just made a new deal in 2015,  We still got 4 years on our contract.  I’m afraid I can’t hop up to the plate to make a new deal at this time.
Chicky: (in an elevated tone)  Hey fur-ball, you know that ever since the stupid HOP movie came out, demand for our eggs has doubled.  My hens are working overtime and we need a bigger slice of the pie if you want us to keep up with demand.  We want more of the recognition for Easter too.  After all we make the darn things.

EB:  No need for insults, Chicky.  I’m sure you realize that if it weren’t for me you would have almost no demand,  I’m the face of your product and let’s not forget my expenses.  I have designers, artists, distribution and administrative staff to pay.

Chicky:  I don’t give a fart about that and I still can’t figure out how you made humans believe that a bunny would deliver decorated chicken eggs.  You know, I got an idea.  I just might create an Easter Chicken and knock your cotton tail right out of this whole industry.  How’s that sound?

EB:  Is that a threat?  Cause you may not know this but I’ve been talking to Donald Duck and he says that between his ducks and a bunch of quails he’s organized, I can get more than enough eggs to fill my orders.

Chicky:  Is that what we’re doin here?  Usin words?  Words like ducks and quails?  Is that what we’re doin?

Donald Duck
EB:  Let’s calm down here.  We’ve been in business together too long to throw it all away now.  Truth is we got a good thing going here and we should be able to figure out how to keep it going.

Chicky:  Yeah, well I just wanted to remind you that the Lucky Rabbit’s foot industry is starting to take off again.  Say, how well do you hop on 3 legs?

EB:  Alright, this is getting ugly now.  Look let’s talk turkey at our next board meeting.  I’ll buy you a drink and we can sit down and discuss things like civilized, professional, business animals.

Chicky:  Yeah, Okay, I’ll be there but remember, I ain’t exactly 100% domesticated either.  I’m warning you, don’t tweak my beak.

EB:  Yes, of course not.  You know, I’ve always had the utmost respect for you and your Union.  I’ll see ya at the meeting.

Holy Cow!  I can’t wait to listen in on that board meeting.

Sunday, March 5, 2017

LA LA Liked it.

   Agent 54 here again.  My wife dragged me and my movie buddies to see LA LA Land starring Emma Stone as Mia and Ryan Gosling as Sebastian (Seb) today.  It was a more believable movie than 50 Shades of whatever and I'm sure the dance numbers were better too.  Surprisingly, we all seemed to enjoy LA LA Land. 

Here’s another of our poolside reviews.

  Scene:  Agent 54 is sitting at a poolside table with a soda, notebook and a pen,  Everyone else is in the pool relaxing.

Agent 54:  Well, as usual, I have to start things off .  To tell the truth I thought LA LA Land was going to be the typical boring “chick-flick” that my wife makes me sit through from time to time so I can get to watch great movies like Sharknado and District 9

 However, I went in with an open mind and actually enjoyed the movie.  I found the dance scenes to be colorful and energetic.  I enjoyed the scenes filmed in and around Hollywood and the movie made me want to go back there for vacation again.  Much of the movie brought the viewers back to the golden age of Hollywood musicals and the music was good, especially if you enjoy jazz.

Carol (Mrs. Agent 54):  I liked the story except at the end when the guy and the girl didn’t end up together.  I thought that was sad.

Shamu:  Sad maybe but, they be keepin it real.  Nobody in Hollywood stays hooked up for very long.  I really enjoyed John Legend’s vibe as the leader of the band that Seb joined.
Flipper:  Yeah, well, I liked Emma Stone.  She’s one of the cutest little Hollywood starfish in the sea.

Charlie Tuna:  Oh boy.  You still got no class, Flip.  Last movie we saw you got a crush on Isla Fisher and that’s all you remember about the flick.

Flipper:  Eh, what can I say.  I’m a suckerfish for little Redhead Herrings.

Agent 54:  Yeah, getting back to the movie, I have to agree with Shamu.  The underlying message of LA LA Land was one of the sacrifice and commitment needed to make your dreams come true.

Charlie Tuna:  I say Mia has no class either.  I mean, after they split up Seb intercepts an audition call-back for Mia and he drives off to Colorado to drag her to the audition which makes all her dreams come true.   What does she do for him?  She gets rich and famous and forgets all about him and marries some French guy.  No class!

Carol:  OMG! He wasn’t a French guy and she helped Seb with his career before by telling him to chase his dreams and play his own music no matter what.

Shamu:  Shiiit!  Seb was gonna make it no matter what.  That guy can play the piano like nobody’s business.

Agent 54:  Hey, take it easy Shamu.  That’s my wife you’re takin to.  

Shamu:  Whatever, I’m just sayin he did a lot more for her than she did for him and that’s the damn straight skippy.

Flipper:  Hey I enjoyed the scene on the Santa Monica pier when Seb is singing.  You know, I used to swim near there all the time but, you got to keep your distance from the pier.  Nasty fishing hooks and that kinda crap all around.

  Scene: Carol gets out of the pool and wraps a towel herself.

Carol:  Okay, I’m heading back to the house to make dinner.  I’ve had enough of hanging around with this riff raff.  You comin, Agent 54?

Agent 54:  In a minute.  Gotta finish writing this up.  Hey, how many Starfish?

Carol:  3 out of 5.  It was good, not great.

Flipper:  3 for Mia, er uh Emma Stone.

Shamu:  4 Starfish all day long.  I liked it.

Charlie Tuna:  I give it a classy 4 Starfish and I would watch it again.

Agent 54:  I have to give it 4 Starfish too.  I have to admit, I was entertained.

Shamu:  Shiiit!  Agent 54 liked a “chick-flick” more than his wife, ha ha ha.

Agent 54:  Who you making fun of, you gave it 4 too.  Anyway, the movie averaged 3.6 Starfish.  Not bad for a “chick-flick”.
  Scene:  After Carol leaves, Agent 54 closes his notebook and slowly takes off his Hawaiian shirt,then shouts,,,

Agent 54:  CANNON BALL!!! 

Scene:  After the biggest splash in the history of that pool, Agent 54 comes up for air.

Agent 54:  So, what’s next?

Flipper:  Chips, no doubt!

Shamu:  Chip Happens!

Charlie Tuna:  Chips is gonna be a classic comedy.

Agent 54:  Okay then, Chips, starring Dax Sheppard and Michael Pena it is.