Monday, July 3, 2017
Agent 54 here again. I got to see the unedited tape of the Washington D.C. Wrestling Association, Tag-Team Championship match. Wow! What a wild and crazy show. Here’s my report.
Announcer Vince: Hi wrestling fans, this is you announcer Vice McMahon and have we got a match for you. We have a Championship Tag-Team match with Team USA being led by “The Captain” Lou Albano versus The MSM Team with Anderson “The Ridiculist” Cooper as their leader. Team USA features Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka and “The Russian Bear” Ivan Koloff while The MSM Team has “Jumbo” Jim Acosta and Rachael “Madcow” Maddow. Now let’s say hi to my partner, Gordon Solie.
Announcer Gordon: Thanks Vince, this is Gordon Solie reporting on the protest filed before this match could even get underway. It was filed with the WDCWA by The MSM Team for alleged collusion with Russia on the choice of Ivan Koloff for Team USA. Team USA has put out a statement saying simply “The charges are Bullshit.”
Vince: Okay, we’re ready to go as the bell sounds for Round 1 of this Championship Tag-Team match. Team USA starts out with “Superfly” taking the ring versus “Jumbo” Jim Acosta. “Jumbo” makes the first move, calling Snuka a racist.
Gordon: Name calling is a move that is old as the hills in wrestling although I haven’t heard of anyone using that particular name before. Say Vince, what race is “Superfly” Snuka?
Vince: I believe he’s a human.
Gordon: Well, let’s all hope so.
Vince: Now I hear “The Captain” Lou Albano for Team USA calling Rachael “Madcow” Maddow a “Pencil-neck Geek.” This match is really heating up.
Gordon: “Superfly” just slapped “Jumbo” in the face and as “Jumbo fell hard to the canvas, “Superfly” moved in for his famous Figure Four Leg Lock.
Vince: Yes, that was a hell of a move and I believe I see tears coming from the eyes of both Jim Acosta and Rachael Maddow.
Gordon: And now The MSM Team Leader, Anderson Cooper has entered the ring and is shouting at the referee.
Vince: Yes, it appears “The Ridiculist” is protesting the fact that the Team USA wrestler actually touched his opponent.
Gordon: Look Vince! There’s a disturbance in the audience. It seems there’s a woman in a blue dress holding something red and disgusting in her hand.
Vince: Yes, that’s CNN’s Kathy Griffin holding her own hair in one hand and seemingly beating herself into submission with her own career in the other.
Gordon: What career? Looks more like a rolled up wet newspaper.
Vince: Lookout! Well, a tall man in a business suit and wearing a red white and blue mask just pushed Gordon and I out of the way to enter the ring.
Gordon: Whoa, who was that? Anyway, the masked man has now got all three members of The MSM Team in a headlock and is giving them a “nuggie de trios”.
Vince: Holy Guacamole! I’ve never seen a “nuggie de trios” in this country and the crowd is going wild.
Gordon: Vince, the “nuggie de trios” move is actually banned in 14 countries around the world.
Vince: And now the masked man has all three of The MSM Team members pinned on top of each other and crying. Yes, and now he’s actually sitting on top of them. This is wild and crazy stuff.
Gordon: That’s not all, Vince. It appears he has taken his cell phone out and composing a Tweet.
Vince: The referee slaps a three count on the canvas and it’s all over. Team USA has won thanks to the masked man.
Gordon: The masked man pulls his mask of to reveal to everyone’s shock,,,,It’s President Trump!
President Trump: (walking over to Vince & Gordon) Hey Vince, how are you?
Gordon: Mr. President, Gordon Solie here, you really kicked butt out there tonight.
President Trump: Well, it was a yuge win for the American people.
Vince: Congratulations Sir. I have to ask, was the “nuggie de trois” move really necessary for the victory?
President Trump: Well, we won and all I know is winning because winning is what I do. I have to go now and get ready to do some more winning for the American people. Thank you guys and God Bless America.
Disclaimer: No MSM reporters were harmed in the writing of this comedy story.